If you have not yet stumbled upon a site called Christwire, stumble upon it NOW!
Christwire.org is on a mission to bring conservative values to an ‘unsaved world.’ The site claims that Left Wing Conspiracy and Liberal Agenda have spread like a plague through society; that the sinful antics and attempts, of these so called ‘free-thinkers’, to pass their wanton carnal desires into mainstream culture is destroying the mores and values of mankind.
What better platform for unashamed, unbridled, utterly embellished, brilliant satire!
My first encounter with Christwire was the following article, penned by Tyson Bowers. Read and weep.
In the city of Satan’s lost angels, there is an event that is held each year where kids with $150 ripped up Diesel boot cut skinny jeans and Maybelline eyeliner, gather to get away from morals and engage in underage drinking, magic fuzzy pill popping and a place where they can become emo and make out with their pre-teen twink boyfriends, while juggling 6 packs of Paps Blue Ribbon down their throats.
This event is called “The Warped Tour” sponsored by the surfing company, Vans. The name comes from the fact that kids go to this event to warp their minds with illicit black market street drugs and become emo gender bending deviants. Everyone knows emos promote homosexuality, drugs, masturbation and miscarriages and that emo stands for “enter my orifice”.
There is no way to distinguish the boys from the girls at this festival, as they all look like drugged out lead singers from the 80′s who just got done having a botched sex change operation.
This festival is full of “softcore” pop music, that fills the young mind with urges to emo mosh in large mosh pits or also known as “the sex circle”. The sex circle is where the emo kids run around in a “pit” filled with sexual anger and as they pass each other, they stick there tongues down each other’s mouths until they reach a Satanic climax full of sin and cherry lip balm.
The acne infested, high pitched, prepubescent voices and same 3-chord melodies from the bands that fuel these circles of demonic enticement, have some of the most outrageous names. Take the pioneers of emo music “Sum 41″, we all know that in gay talk, that the “1″ is a symbol for a sin snake and the “4″ means “one all fours”. So the name actually means “Sum-one put their twiddle rompus inside me, while I’m on all fours”. Then you have bands with names like Taking It Back to Sunday, Saves the Day and Joy Electric Land, which all have sex party undertones and all have lyrics that talk about forced teen sex and gay sin docking.
The festival inside is quite the French sex show, but even before you get into the concert, you might witness large groups of kissing male friends, giving each other hyper-color hand jobs, while there friends “skank” around them in a mascara filled wet dream of drug activity.
The chances that your son is lip locked with his buddy, who goes by the name “Unique Rain Disaster”, is pretty much guaranteed. It wouldn’t be shocking to find out that your son has played a game of skin tug of war with 20 or so Satan scepters while being high at the beer garden or had partaking in a bi-sexual sex session with his new found buddies over at the Hot Topic display.
Let us not forget the amount of drugs that float around this land of man ass grabbing. Your children will be exposed to drugs that you thought only existed in “urban” neighborhoods.
The drug of choice at this festival is known as “A Mushroom” or as the kids call it “Shrooms”. The reason why this drug is so popular with this type of festival, is because it is shaped like a erected flesh sword and as discussed about above, these kids love to perform mouth sex acts with skin knobs. Once eaten, the drug sends you children into the fairytale land of Satan, where he has complete control of their actions. He bombards them with images of melting rainbows, Skittle rain drops and homo erotic sex slaves, while at the same time encouraging them to dabble in a taste of homosexual experiences.
So unless you want your son to develop a addiction for drugs and homosexuality, you need to ban them from entering not only the gates of Warped Tour, but also keep them away from the grips of L.A.
Satanic climaxes, French sex shows, hyper-colour hand jobs, mascara filled wet dreams, Satan sceptres, erect flesh swords, a fairytale land belonging to Satan, skittle raindrops, homo erotic sex slaves… it’s just so fabulously, expressively ridiculous.
This magnificent piece of literary hysteria, much like every other article on Christwire, provoked irate readers to write in with some pretty awesome (and poorly spelled) responses:
Defensive Evan Talbot:
Tyson….YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!! 1. WE GO THERE NOT TO ENGAGE IN DRUGS OR SEX, WE GO THERE TO LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC… AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON THERE HOW MANY GAY CONCERTS HAVE YOU BEEN TO, TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON. AND HOW COME YOU NEVER MENTIONED DAUGHTERS, WERE YOU TO CONCERNED TRYING TO FIND SOME EMO GUY TO HOOK UP WITH, WHILE YOUR DAUGHTER WAS FUCKING SOME GUY BEHIND YOU.
You’ve got to be kidding me. The amount of things this man, (Tyson Bowers), posts and that you people actually believe are completely ridiculous. There is no research whatsoever done here. Vans is a skateboarding company for one. For two; it’s Taking Back Sunday, not Taking It Back to Sunday. Three; This shows what religon can do to people. Did your god write this article? I highly doubt it. Unless Tyson Bowers is god, you know. And “Not go into too much detail”, Tyson? What about your article on raves? And this one? The closest I can describe it to is written pornography. “all have lyrics that talk about forced teen sex and gay sin docking.” “these kids love to perform mouth sex acts with skin knobs.” That isn’t too explicit for your Christian readers? ‘Cause you know, you aren’t talking about sucking dick and going into detail about how a mushroom looks like genetalia or anything. No, that would be too dirty to post on a christian website, wouldn’t it? People like you make me sick to the pit of my soul. And if this is what’s getting you into heaven, believing things like this, then I’d rather go to hell, because it’d be much better than spending eternity with ignorant close minded people like yourself.
Concerned Stephen Billings:
It’s strikes me as odd that androgyny is so important to the youth generation. It’s as if they want to erase their roles in society altogether or maybe they all want to become women. Whatever it is, it’s just escapism. They want to avoid hard work and the people behind these types of music concerts are all too willing to help them get there. I think the drugs as you mentioned Tyson are becoming far too common in this country today. We have decriminalized marijuana and that only makes kids think everything else like crystal meth and crack cocaine is okay, too. As someone who has seen the face of addiction up close in the teens I have counseled, it is nothing to celebrate. These musicians are committing a sin akin to a crime. Promoting deliquency and addiction is absolutely wrong and I hope more parents pay attention to this message and be viligant about their children’s listening habits. God bless my friend.
You guys do an excellent job at creating The Onion of conservative Christian thought! If I wasn’t any smarter, I’d have thought this was all the real deal! Love the work though! It takes a brilliant mind to create these arguments that straddle the line between conservative Christian extremist thought, and farcical Christian blabber. Its really quite an impressive feat, when considering you are coming from the other side of the fence in the first place! Kudos!! Love the stuff! Always great for a good laugh!
What better way to expose ignorance than through the vehicle of sharp writing and the tool of ironic tone? The article’s hyperbole cajoles readers into emotive responses. Contemplative thought is abandoned in favour of egocentric an need to lay claim to opinion and defend one’s ideals…
… when all you need to do is cast your eyes a little to the right to see what Christwire is all about; ‘Holy Gear’ including shirts saying “Satan Sceptre”, “Marinated in Sin” and “Milk Sacs” – unequivocally the voice of the moral minority.