According to the Stars…

patsystonemt07Ellsworth Toohey once said to Kiki Holcombe: “tell me the movie stars you like and I’ll tell you what you are”. In the spirit of self-discovery and enlightenment I have decided to conduct an experiment according to Mr Toohey’s theory. The road to revelation will be walked on the basis of three easy steps – for those of you who are interested in a consultation with the stars.

Step 1: Follow my example by formulating a list of you favourite movie stars. Here are my faves (in no particular order – barring the number one position): Johnny Depp, Anthony Hopkins, Helena Bonham Carter, Corpse Bride, Christian Bale, Aragorn, Jack Bauer, Hannibal Lecter, Daniel Day Lewis, Edward Norton, Patsy Stone, Jigsaw, Gandalf, Patrick Bateman, Van Helsing, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Batman, Scarlett Johansson, Dexter, John Malkovich, Jack Skellington, Beatrix Kiddo, Cyrus the Virus, Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, The Joker, Tyler Durden, Brad Pitt, Domino Harvey, Cate Blanchett, Sweeney Todd and Geoffrey Rush. No doubt the list could go on but…let’s not.

Step 2: Next comes self analysis. You may like to consider the appearance, personality and profession (an easy one as they are all actors) of the stars you have selected.

My analysis: The most significant observation to be made is that I have some trouble distinguishing fact from fiction. So what then? Does this make me a pschizo? [Note to self: professional help is sometimes necessary] I mean, Jack Skellington is a movie star in his own right. He is THE Pumpkin King after all. Characters – movie stars…whatever man, it’s all the same in my head. [Note to self: Johnny Depp has real hands] It would therefore appear that I am a dread-locked, scissor-handed, gold-toothed, pearl-earing-wearing, rum-chugging, collagen-injecting, soap-making, serial-killing, chainsaw-massacring, fight-club-owning, celebrity-styling, throat-slicing, ork-fighting, people-eating, lip-puckering, toy-making, Gotham-saving, vampire slaying, champagne-swigging, chain-smoking, demon-fighting, bounty-hunting, barber/assassin/pirate/government agent/zombie. At least life is never boring right? [Note to self: There is no need to justify my personality or my profession(s)] I am a regular jack of all trades. If you need someone for a freak show or circus, pick me. I am always around to slay the demon next door. If your hair needs a cut, I can do it. If any of those pesky Mordor folk get in your way, I can fix them. [Note to self: no-one has stolen precious] If you need someone to pretend to run a celeb styling agency, I’m it. There are however a couple of things one should be aware of before hiring me. Be sure to have a muzzle and straitjacket on hand. Make certain there are no tasty people in the nearby vicinity. I am cursed (thanks to Davy fucking Jones), so ensure that the Kraken is secured or that I have my jar of dirt with me. I am prone to acts of violence and bouts of melancholy. I perform well under pressure, particularly when chased by cops. I will risk my life for my president and country. A high monetary reward can never hurt. I perform best if the above guidelines are adhered to.

Step 3: Decide how much you like yourself by giving yourself a score on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest. I give myself a 9.5. I quite like me. I am tempted to give me a beautifully round and even 10 but I suspect that I may be a danger to myself and others. But hey! It’s no biggy – only 0.5’s worth of importance. I have a load of supercedingly superior traits.

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