Recently I was accosted with a vision that went something like this: me, lying on a hospital bed with my legs sprawled marinating in my own placenta juices. Like a pickled onion in beetroot sauce. Disgusting. I am repeatedly told that “birth is beautiful”. In spite of the fact that I have the maternal instinct of a flea I am happy to acknowledge that babies are beautiful. But birth. What planet are people living on? Birth is pretty damn yuck. How can episiotomies, stitches, blood, umbilical chords, forceps, injections and pain be beautiful. Associating pain and grossness with beauty sounds pretty masochistic to me. Life is beautiful. Producing life is miraculous. Giving birth may be both miraculous and beautiful theoretically and romantically but certainly not practically and realistically. It’s painful, it’s gross and it’s humiliating. Nope, I have never given birth but I am not about to delude myself into thinking it pleasant and beautiful in any way. I like to call it keeping it real. It is this very philosophy that has dictated the abandonment of my usual ‘cut the bullshit keep it real’ attitude for a brief sojourn in Pleasantville that will end, rather unpleasantly I am sure, on December 17th 2009.
Please note that I am not saying that it’s not worth it. It
being birth. I just said that it’s gross. When my little miracle of life is handed my way I am sure that the angels will chorus and the bright lights will shine as I have an epiphany of gratitude. It’s all very lovely and sentimental, but in no way negates the realities of childbirth. Although the gift of life certainly compensates for the realities of which I speak. I want to know why women are expected (mostly by other women) to euphemise childbirth? Certainly childbirth is different for every woman and perhaps those who are blind or comatose may find it beautiful but I am lucky enough to be gifted with a group of friends who do not hide behind the bullshit. They say it’s ugly and sore but they say that women do it again and again and that speaks volumes. Society seems to propagate the notion that out of respect for the women who have given birth I should ignore my fears and submerge reality beneath a 
masquerade of sentimentality straight out of an 18th century literary England. Mangled vaginas, stretch marks, sagging boobs and enemas are taboo topics. Birth seems to be viewed as some sacred ritual that must be observed with respect and dignity. The irony is like a punch in the gut, and the thought inspires me to vulgarity. Giving birth is anything but dignified.
Laura Stavoe Harm said: “We have a secret in our culture, and it’s not that birth is painful. It’s that women are strong.” In order to acknowledge the truth of this statement, in order to acknowledge the strength of womankind, the reality of childbirth must be acknowledged. Its grim realities should be realised rather than sentimentalised, in order to reveal the strength confirmed through suffering endured. Suffering in childbirth is a result of original sin yet God gave women the strength to bare it. That is beautiful.
HAHAHAHA, Andrea. Man alive you really know how to crack me up. This is a funny but truthful read and I know that I can never really experience what you will go through, I agree that in the end the result and realization of the miracle will be worth it all.
You are more maternal than you think, I can see it and I know you have nothing to worry about in that sense. If you ever have enough, dump her with twiddle thumbs for the day. Haha.
Love you guys. xxx
PS> Thanks for teaching me about episiotomies, I think I wont be able to eat or sleep for a while. That looks PROPER lame. Amazing. Haha
Now I can’t stop laughing … if anyone else needs to know about episiotomies I give free lessons!
I am glad that as a guy you can appreciate what I am saying. I know that Warren does and we have many laughing moments talking about these gross things. I am glad that I have friends who ‘keep it real’ as well as a husband who does.
ps. You guys will have to do lots of baby sitting to teach baby Zanin the pincer grip :)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am going to text Anja about that bloody pincer grip right now. Doggy box for me? I think so. x
I’d say that this is definitely keeping it real and that there are certainly some scary and gross bits to childbirth. I’m in the same boat as Marcus in that I can never know what it’s like but the thought of a chopped gooch makes my butt clench.
But the thought of the life at the end of that tunnel (excuse the pun) is what’s really exciting. I can’t wait.
I love your pun … I wish I had thought of it as it would have sounded great in my story! But you did give me some other ideas **wink**
So what’s this obsession with childbirth? Have I been left out of the family grapevine and missing out on some important news? Read Misconceptions by Noami Wolf.
Obsessed because I am pregnant :) aaaaah! And I will definitely read try and get hold of Misconceptions.
HA HA HA! AWESOME! that was a good read. Ur a funny creature hey! dude, I didnt realise that there was someone behind me while I was reading this and studying your diagrams! he he he! DAM – Now im looking forward to the day that I pass a kidney stone – that will be my little miracle into this world :)
I am laughing my brains out imagining someone standing behind you studying those diagrams.
My friendy, when you think logically through the whole myth surrounding the beauty of childbirth you need to recognise the people behind it – wonderful mothers and mothers-in-law (mother-in-laws?) who desperately want their grandchildren to be brought into the world before they die. Mine was MOST helpful in freaking my hubby out with horror stories about the effects of epidurals and the negative impact of C-sections on the baby’s health so I have her to thank for the most atrocious, drug-free! experience of my life :-) But YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! Just do it your way :-) Oh, and stop looking at pictures or you are never going to push!!!!!