Who would have thought that a blue balloon was so multifunctional? This is a discovery I made one hot Saturday afternoon whilst walking along Oxford Street. It was on this hot Saturday that I was reminded, for at least five consecutive hours, why I grew up with two brothers: to train me for my husband.
An invaluable lesson I learned as a child is the principle of annoyance: the greater the reaction of the annoyee, the more fun is had by the annoyer. The converse is also true: the smaller the reaction of the annoyee, the less fun is had by the annoyer. The annoyer relies on a significant reaction for the annoyee’s response to qualify as annoyance. If the annoyee is nonchalant (even if feigned), annoyance is not achieved and the annoyer is thus rendered unsuccessful. I have applied this principle for many years and it is one of the cornerstones of my role as a sister.
My skills as both annoyer and annoyee were honed by the persistence of two highly irritating younger brothers, who donned a human disguise most successfully during daylight hours in order to render my life a misery. It is to these two little monsters that I owe a debt of gratitude, for preparing me for one particular day. The day of the blue balloon. The horrifically hideous bugs that were thrown at me, the food that was smeared on me, the body standing in front of the television whilst Gummi Bears was on, the mocking of my fat thumb and big ass could not stand the strength of my iron stance of nonchalance. And I bare no grudges: it’s all in the nature of siblinghood after all. And some might say that I certainly gave as much as I received. Okay, maybe a couple of grudges are festering somewhere: only when big, sloppy green snollies **gag** and stringy spit came flying my way, did Kratos emerge and the beatings begin. In our twenties, the nature of siblinghood has matured into a more experimental phase: how many boogers and how much spit it takes for Kratos to emerge in a twenty-seven year old me, as opposed to a fifteen-year-old, ten-year-old or five-year old me. I am sure that the findings are fascinating.
Warren and his blue balloon provide a strong rival to spitsnot **gag**. Warren, for (and I will repeat) approximately FIVE hours, altered between beating me over the head with his blue balloon, shoving the plastic stick attached to his blue balloon up my ass, rubbing the blue balloon on by head to see how static my hair could become and bashing me in the face with the blue balloon every time I looked at him. I put up with this calmly as I wondered at the might of Warren’s persistence in his attempts to draw a reaction from me. But my lack of reaction did not deter Warren. It was like he had awakened to his life’s mission – to turn a perfectly innocent inanimate object into a demonic tool of torture.
It was only when we climbed on the bus to make our way home that the blue balloon and the hand holding it finally became too much for me. I finally reached the end of my tether. There was no Kratos, merely two married adults squabbling like four-year-olds. I snatched the cursed blue ballon, shoved my hand in Warren’s face and made his hair so static that he looked like Wayne Static without all the gel. I bashed him in the face repeatedly with his stupid ballon but alas, I am a mere woman and am no match for a weapon wielding psycho. It was only at the point where I decided to play dirty, by attacking his most prized posession (and mine as well actually), the man ceased his balloon harassment. He got tired of protecting his chommie.
I doubt that this is the end of this tale but know this oh blue balloon fiend: I am prepared for any red, green and purple friends that may be thrust my way in a fit of vengeance!
And PS: I love my husband and my brothers dearly.
WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA this is your funniest post to date. I love the blue balloon. I wish I was there so I could do that to Warren and then he could keep asking my why we are friends while posing for me on the toilet of IKEA. Haha. Thats really funny. Be careful of the chommie. Haha. x
Hahahaha – I think you and Warren get along so well because you are the SAME!!! x
You guys are freaking hilarious!!!
But I do feel that there is a substantial flaw in your principle of annoyance. You see, the whole annoyee/annoyer relationship actually goes through a life cycle of its own. So as children your point is perfectly valid because of short attention spans – and if the annoyer gets impatient its far easier to punch the annoyee in the nose and achieve the same desired result: the infliction of misery upon a sibling.
When you get older, and this applies particularly with people you get old with,
the existence of Kratos is not tested but assumed and so the longer it takes to provoke an all-out explosion, the more rewarding it is for the annoyer. In fact it is a double victory because not only does Kratos emerge but we have also proven that we do not have the self-control and level of maturity we so desperately wanted to demonstrate
So next time aim straight for the chommie and more power to ya!!!
HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Dude, thats Hiloarious!!! HA HA HA! I got thios really awesome booger the other day, but alas…..U were not here to wipe it on…..so I grazed it :)
I hope it was a giant green salty one (I just made myself gag).